Seeking Big-Shot To Produce My Screenplay...
And Other Stuff On My Mind
A little something for the spank-bank, ladies
Story by Alexis Nelson - Staff Writer
May 8, 2012
As I sit here jamming Foo Fighters and writing, I wonder how hard can it really be to get my screenplay in the hands of Will Ferrell and Adam Mckay? Assuming Will lives in California, I could probably find his house on a star map, right? Then a simple ring of the bell and voila! You have me and Will hanging out, polishing up my screenplay and having a great time. Before you know it, we're BFF's (sorry Jacquie) and collaborating on several movie projects. After a while Will introduces me to Dave Grohl, Dave falls in love with me and the rest of that story is history. I'm rich, married to the greatest rock god that's ever lived and having a great time making hilarious movies.
So I guess all I really have to do is find a star map. Those are like, what, two bucks? Plus the gas money to drive to LA from Orange County. I suppose a simple google search would tell me where Will lives. I could save myself the hassle of driving around LA and get on the TMZ tour bus. Anyone know if they go by Will's house?
Other things on my mind lately... The Foo Fighters are truly the greatest rock band ever. Dave Grohl is simply a musical genius. He's not hard on the eyes either. (Did I just say hard on?) My mind flows directly to the gutter when Dave Grohl enters. Wow, that sounded dirty, too. Subject change!
In other news, Boogiefuzz hasn't gotten laid in a while. He lost his wing-man due to slipping him roofies too many times. People lose trust, Boogie. I told you so.
I quit Facebook a couple months ago. I must say, it's pretty nice not knowing what you cooked for dinner, how long it took you to mow your lawn, the intimate details of your child's illness and how much you hate your job. I always used Facebook to try to make my friends smile. The constant updates on mundane details of mundane lives can really bring you down.
T'Pau just started playing. Heart and Soul is just the coolest, lamest, weirdest, most beautiful song. Makes me want to dance and sing and crank it up.
Fuck, I'm lame.
Tune in next week when I'll be back on Facebook and rambling more about my unhealthy obsession with Dave Grohl. I gotta go polish the lenses on my night-vision binoculars.
Obama 2012
Alexis Freezes Ass Off: Police Still Searching
Alexis mourns the loss of her ass
Story by Alexis Nelson - Staff Writer
January 26, 2012
It's been a week since I boarded a plane and left the warm beauty of Orange County, California for winter in Chicago. I must be fucking crazy. When I'm not admiring the snow and ice, I find myself tearing up from the cold wind in my face. The hazy gloom and overall lack of sunshine make for perfect suicide weather. I am not suicidal, but only because I know that I'm going back home soon.
But alas, here I am, sleeping on my parents couch and spending my days bundling up every couple hours just to go out and have a cigarette. (Yes, I smoke because it is cool, kids.)
I didn't come here to visit my parents, though. That's just an obligation I have to fulfill anytime I come to Chicago. (Just kidding, Mom and Dad.) I came to help my friend move. So I'm looking forward to packing, cleaning and moving furniture in sub-zero weather. Which I don't mind at all, because my BFF is fucking awesome and I am a really good friend (and she bought my ticket out here to help). Did I mention what a good friend I am?
In other news... well, let's face it, I'm in Indiana. There isn't any real news. So let's explore the irrelevant.
In Indiana, it is still legal to smoke everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I walked into a convenience store yesterday and the customers and the clerk were smoking inside. I found it both cool and disgusting at the same time.
The new season of American Idol has begun. They're really straying from the usual format of showing a bunch of shitty singers for the home viewing audience to laugh at. The audition episodes have become a few singers in an hour with a whole lot of irrelevant filler. Every episode includes the sad, sad story of one contestant that nobody gives a fuck about. We just want to see people make asses of themselves.
I want to take a moment to reach out to Floyd Nelson. He is a writer for Genuphobia and he has been missing for quite some time now. Floyd, we miss you and want you to come back to work. Don't worry about the money you owe me. I'll let you work it off in trade... sexual favors, lawn mowing... whatever. We miss your brilliant writing and compulsive gambling. And if by chance Floyd was kidnapped and his captors are reading this, please bring him back. He owes me twenty bucks.
Be sure to check back next week when I will do my special report from Al Capone's real vault.
Obama in 2012
What I Think About 2012... So Far
Photo stolen from other website.
Fuck SOPA.
Story By Alexis Nelson-Staff Writer
January 15, 2012
So here we are. A new year, a whole new set of problems... right? The SOPA bill is threatening to take away all that is good about the internet, war with Iran is imminent and every time my episode of Judge Mathis reruns, a whole new set of friend requests from strange men to contend with. And by friend request I mean a whole lot of men asking for dates, marriage and things I wont mention... mixed in with some friend requests.
I spent my New Year's holiday weekend watching a marathon of Jersey Shore. I'm pretty sure I have several STD's by proxy (to the television). I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor. That show really sucks you in. A bunch of fucking idiots screwing a bunch of fucking idiots. Ya, it's really addictive. That little fat girl sure is a slut, but nobody is as slutty as that "Situation" chick. She spends an awful lot of time on her hair and at the gym, but she still looks slightly mannish. But she manages to get laid by a different girl almost every night. Maybe lesbians aren't very selective... I don't know.
And now it's 2012 and the lunatics are jumping all over the end of the world bandwagon. People keep telling me that California is going to break free of the continent and drift into the ocean. Well, fuck yes! I can't afford to move to Hawaii! Break me off an island.
That's all that's on my mind at the moment. Come back next week for my special report from Chicago where I will be interviewing my best friends dad.
Obama in 2012
January 15, 2012
So here we are. A new year, a whole new set of problems... right? The SOPA bill is threatening to take away all that is good about the internet, war with Iran is imminent and every time my episode of Judge Mathis reruns, a whole new set of friend requests from strange men to contend with. And by friend request I mean a whole lot of men asking for dates, marriage and things I wont mention... mixed in with some friend requests.
I spent my New Year's holiday weekend watching a marathon of Jersey Shore. I'm pretty sure I have several STD's by proxy (to the television). I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor. That show really sucks you in. A bunch of fucking idiots screwing a bunch of fucking idiots. Ya, it's really addictive. That little fat girl sure is a slut, but nobody is as slutty as that "Situation" chick. She spends an awful lot of time on her hair and at the gym, but she still looks slightly mannish. But she manages to get laid by a different girl almost every night. Maybe lesbians aren't very selective... I don't know.
And now it's 2012 and the lunatics are jumping all over the end of the world bandwagon. People keep telling me that California is going to break free of the continent and drift into the ocean. Well, fuck yes! I can't afford to move to Hawaii! Break me off an island.
That's all that's on my mind at the moment. Come back next week for my special report from Chicago where I will be interviewing my best friends dad.
Obama in 2012
My Judge Mathis Experience
Screenshot of me on the Judge Mathis Show
Story By Alexis Nelson-Staff Writer
November 17, 2011
Are you thinking about suing someone on the Judge Mathis Show? Have you gotten that letter in the mail that someone is suing you and the Judge Mathis Show has selected your case?
I know the feeling. I got that letter in the mail earlier this year. You're excited at the prospect of being on TV! You're also scared that the other person is going to say something that makes you look bad. It's a lot of pressure and you have to decide pretty quick.
I decided to go for it. I never want to miss a cool experience and how often does something like this happen in life? So I called the producer that was handling my case, did the phone interview and they deemed my case worthy of the show. Just ten days later I was on a plane flying to Chicago.
When I arrived there was a driver waiting at the airport for me. It was a town car, not a cab. Nice perk, Judge. When I checked in at the hotel I was given a packet of papers to review including the rules of the show and review copies of some forms I would have to sign. It was all pretty standard stuff and nothing unexpected was thrown at me. In the packet I was also given a gift card for dinner at a very nice restaurant near my hotel. Luckily for me, I had a local friend meet me at my hotel so I wouldn't have to go to dinner alone.
I was worried about running into my ex-boyfriend (the asshole), as he was the person that was suing me, but I quickly realized that they send all of the defendants to a single hotel and restaurant and the plaintiffs to others.
I had a fantastic dinner and enjoyed downtown Chicago before returning to my hotel with my leftovers for the night. My friend hung out for a while and then left me on my own. The show's producer called me and said my car would pick me up at 10:00am rather than the originally scheduled 8:00am. I was happy about that. I hate getting up early. It turned out to be a great thing because I couldn't sleep that night. I went to bed at 11 and laid there for two hours before I decided to just get up and watch TV. I watched Friends and ate my leftovers for a couple hours before I finally felt tired enough to fall asleep.
Day of the Show!
I got up early and drank way too much coffee. My nerves had calmed a bit by the morning and I was feeling good. Getting ready was easy since I didn't have to do my hair or makeup. If you're a female and you're going to be on this show, don't do your hair or makeup. Their makeup artists and hairstylists are really good. I saw a few people that did their own makeup and it doesn't go over well on TV. Also, make sure you're dressed nice. The asshole that was suing me wore jeans! He looked so stupid.
The car picked me up outside my hotel right on time. I arrived at NBC studios and was met at the door by someone that worked for the show. That place is like Fort Knox with their security. I had to go through security, they searched my bags and then locked them in a holding room to pick up later.
I was escorted into a green room where there was plenty of junk food and coffee. After a while a few more defendants had joined me and we were exchanging our stories about why we were here. Soon, I was taken to hair and makeup, then back to the green room with rollers in my hair.
A man came in with papers to sign. Mostly legal junk and one form about how much money you're being paid. I noticed a few people were being paid more than I was and was pretty bummed that I didn't negotiate as well as I could have. Make sure you negotiate! I didn't take the first offer they gave me and I still wasn't being paid as well as others.
Then my producer came in. We discussed the case and she had prepared a statement for me. At first I was slightly offended, as I think I'm good with words and don't need someone to sum up my case for me. But she was right. It's much easier to practice a prepared statement of your case before you go on. The camera's in your face and the nervousness of the situation can really make you forget to say things that you really wanted to say.
After a couple of hours at NBC studio's, I really wanted a cigarette and asked if I could step out for one. They had to have someone actually come and walk me out. I was joined by a few other defendants that thought a cigarette break was a great idea. I was surprised at how accommodating everyone that worked for the show was.
I quickly found out that they were filming 14 shows that day and I was number 3! My nerves shot up! I knew it was coming soon. I was in a private room with my producer practicing my opening statement when the hairstylist came in to remove my rollers and spray the shit outta my hair. Shortly after, I was escorted to a smaller green room right by the sound stage. I saw the On Air sign lit up and knew that it was almost time. I went into the green room and paced. I couldn't sit at this point. The sound man came in and mic'd me. Another producer came in and asked me a few questions to see if I was prepared.
After she left I sat there trying not to think about anything at all. Then someone came to get me. I was escorted to the sound stage. Waited just outside the doors. Then was told to go in. I stood there looking at the doors. You know, the famous doors that you see the plaintiffs and defendants walk through on every show. As I tried to prepare myself mentally, I was given the word to go.
So I went.
The walk is the weirdest experience. The brightly lit courtroom, the audience, the asshole plaintiff standing at his podium looking all smug and stupid. And it's silent. And my heart is racing. Am I shaking? Is my face red? I just gotta get to that podium, fast!
The rest of it went by so fast. The judge came in, the plaintiff lied, Judge Mathis cracked some jokes... which actually made me laugh and relax a bit. It was a blur of lies, jokes and it was over as quickly as it started.
I was escorted to a little room where I was paid for my appearance and then escorted out. They pay in cash, which is great. Then they just walk you out the door and put you in a car back to the airport. I didn't use that option. Being a Chicago girl, I asked them to make my return flight 16 days later so I could stay and visit my friends and family.
My appearance was aired on October 11, 2011. I was surprised that it made top billing on the show. Everyone that watched it said that my ex was either a dick or an asshole, so I feel accomplished in that.
So if you're thinking about going on the Judge Mathis Show, I say go for it! I had a good time and I'm glad to have had that experience.
Nobody Wants My Opinion, So Here Are Some Facts
Michael Jackson in a cloud of crack smoke
Alexis Nelson-Staff Writer
Tuesday September 20, 2011
Two and a Half Men was really great last night. Anyone that thinks Ashton Kutcher was bad can suck it. Give the show a few weeks to find its stride. Charlie Sheen was great, sure... but he certainly isn't irreplaceable.
I'm pretty excited about the satellite crashing into earth this week. With a 1 in 3,200 chance of being hit by a piece of it, it's my best shot at winning the lottery because I will sue the shit out of NASA if their stupid satellite hits me and I survive.
In social news, BoogieFuzz is having a banner week! He participated in a roast (not Charlie Sheen's) and he claims he got laid 4 times by 6 different women. I've been trying to do the math on that one myself. Let me know if you figure it out. Keep life interesting so I can keep talking about you, Boogie.
Whoever said Michael Jackson is dead hasn't been for a ride in my boyfriend's car lately. It's a total Michael Jackson-fest. If I hear Liberian Girl one more time this week, I'm gonna eject that stupid CD and throw it out the window.
In awesome news, Tosh Tuesday is here at last! Don't let me down, Daniel.
Tuesday September 20, 2011
Two and a Half Men was really great last night. Anyone that thinks Ashton Kutcher was bad can suck it. Give the show a few weeks to find its stride. Charlie Sheen was great, sure... but he certainly isn't irreplaceable.
I'm pretty excited about the satellite crashing into earth this week. With a 1 in 3,200 chance of being hit by a piece of it, it's my best shot at winning the lottery because I will sue the shit out of NASA if their stupid satellite hits me and I survive.
In social news, BoogieFuzz is having a banner week! He participated in a roast (not Charlie Sheen's) and he claims he got laid 4 times by 6 different women. I've been trying to do the math on that one myself. Let me know if you figure it out. Keep life interesting so I can keep talking about you, Boogie.
Whoever said Michael Jackson is dead hasn't been for a ride in my boyfriend's car lately. It's a total Michael Jackson-fest. If I hear Liberian Girl one more time this week, I'm gonna eject that stupid CD and throw it out the window.
In awesome news, Tosh Tuesday is here at last! Don't let me down, Daniel.
What I Think About Stuff This Week
Bin Laden's last FB post
Alexis Nelson-Staff Writer
Monday May 9, 2011
How sad is my life when the highlight of my week was Jacob Lusk being voted off Idol? I freaking hate that guy! I have hated him since day one and he is finally gone. Good riddance, jerk!
In other news, the snake is looking pretty fat after his two mouse meal and I'm just happy that the mice are both dead. I did not like having one just hanging around the house.
I heard that my friend BoogieFuzz got laid this week. That almost never happens so that was news.
In seemingly unrelated news, a good friend to BoogieFuzz was roofied and reportedly woke up with a sore behind. A strange thing to happen to a man, but it's a strange world. I'm sure glad I live in the safety of the Orange Curtain.
Monday May 9, 2011
How sad is my life when the highlight of my week was Jacob Lusk being voted off Idol? I freaking hate that guy! I have hated him since day one and he is finally gone. Good riddance, jerk!
In other news, the snake is looking pretty fat after his two mouse meal and I'm just happy that the mice are both dead. I did not like having one just hanging around the house.
I heard that my friend BoogieFuzz got laid this week. That almost never happens so that was news.
In seemingly unrelated news, a good friend to BoogieFuzz was roofied and reportedly woke up with a sore behind. A strange thing to happen to a man, but it's a strange world. I'm sure glad I live in the safety of the Orange Curtain.
This Weeks Top Story... Shitstorm
Casey Abrams
Alexis Nelson-Staff Writer
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It’s been a weird week. Casey gets voted off Idol and then my boyfriend brings home feeder mice for his snake and decides to pair one with his bird. He really thought the bird and mouse would be buddies. The friendship was short-lived. Fucker (the bird) chewed at the mouse quite a bit. I’m now staring at the mouse wondering if it’s alive. I am unsure but will not get close enough to either of those disgusting animals to find out.
Today I had a talk with my best friend. She is pregnant with her first child, a girl. I encouraged her to name her first daughter after me. To my eternal disappointment, she will not. I didn’t even get in on the middle name. What’s wrong with people? I have a great name. Besides, Grace Alexis sounds so much better than Grace Pukeyname, right?
I witnessed something illegal today. I don’t think I should get into it here because I’m pretty sure it’s a federal crime. Let’s just say that it looked really cool and only took a few minutes.
Is it just me, or is the tornado footage on youtube addicting to watch?
Well, I gotta run out for cigarettes and box up a package for my mom. Mother’s Day and a birthday in the same week. Oh, crap! The mouse just woke up.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It’s been a weird week. Casey gets voted off Idol and then my boyfriend brings home feeder mice for his snake and decides to pair one with his bird. He really thought the bird and mouse would be buddies. The friendship was short-lived. Fucker (the bird) chewed at the mouse quite a bit. I’m now staring at the mouse wondering if it’s alive. I am unsure but will not get close enough to either of those disgusting animals to find out.
Today I had a talk with my best friend. She is pregnant with her first child, a girl. I encouraged her to name her first daughter after me. To my eternal disappointment, she will not. I didn’t even get in on the middle name. What’s wrong with people? I have a great name. Besides, Grace Alexis sounds so much better than Grace Pukeyname, right?
I witnessed something illegal today. I don’t think I should get into it here because I’m pretty sure it’s a federal crime. Let’s just say that it looked really cool and only took a few minutes.
Is it just me, or is the tornado footage on youtube addicting to watch?
Well, I gotta run out for cigarettes and box up a package for my mom. Mother’s Day and a birthday in the same week. Oh, crap! The mouse just woke up.
